When I forget to charge my phone in the morning , it turns out to be a blessing. It’s become very difficult to avoid the temptation of using the phone for one more minute,of watching one more video, of one more scrolling,or of viewing one more status update. My days are revolving around watching those whatsapp statuses of people screaming silently ,yet desperately, to get heard. Yeah, screaming. Who talks nowadays. Everybody screams through their whatsapp status, instagram stories, or facebook stories. I’m afraid now to consciously think of my attention span. Has it already got reduced to a few minutes or even for a few second? It’s very difficult to avoid these .
When I bought a new laptop last month ,I thought of being productive. I left the other one in my room in Guwahati when I came home in March 15. I thought the holiday would be only for 15 days , so I just took the important books and notes. Who thought at that time , this would turn out to be an never ending vacation, or whatever ,that you no longer enjoy. Before I bought a new one, I thought when I would buy this, I would write something for my blog every 2 -3 days, I would learn something new in coursera/khan academy everyday, I would edit and upload videos every week on my youtube channel. But things rarely happen as you plan . I would lose interest in most of these things .
Can you remember the last time you talked to a friend without expecting anything from him/her? Technology is an interesting paradox . You think it would bring us together ,we will connect so easily. But at the same time , it is taking us so far away from each other.
I watch so many movies. It’s a habit I made when I was in school. I think I got better in English because of this habit. Only formal education of school , where the teacher just translate the texts in English into my native language would not have been sufficient. But I still hesitate to talk in English. First, I think I will be laughed at because of my pronunciation mistakes. Then I think it would be better if I speak it when I’ll be good at it. Again it is a paradox because I can’t be good at it ,without trying, without making mistakes. So let’s come back to movies. These movies took me to a whole new different world. Where everything is so perfect, or even though it may not be perfect in the first half, it would eventually have a happy ending . It has its own explanation because who would watch a movie again and again that does not have happy ending, right? Also , movies can be a very good escape from reality which can be very painful. But the perception that movies or TV shows or anything in the media gives about life can be bad for you if you are a different person in real life. You can be judging yourself because some genius in the movie you watched a long time back solve math problems very easily while you are good in solving but not as fast as the movie genius is ;or some cool guy in that show makes friends very easily ,or that pretty lonely girl who has similarities with you get into a relationship but you can’t. Yes it’s very tough. Being in your 20s and not being in a relationship and the girl you like and are friend with is already in a good relationship and even so you can’t think of anyone else except her. Yes life can be very hard. You also feel peer pressure of not travelling enough, not exploring enough, not making money enough and what not! The perception I had about the beautiful and easy world has been showing its real shape and nature as I’ve been growing in terms of years.
When I first enrolled in a university , I thought everything will be okay. I’ll make good friends, even friends for lifetime; I’ll study under professors who would be exceptional, I’ll study at a university that cares about its students. But again, life happens. The picture of Matt Murdock from the Marvel show Daredevil has just reflected in my mind. When he was lying in a bed, feeling low and was wounded physically ,some children asked him what happened. He replied in a single word “ life”. Yes, life happens. Friends I thought would be for a lifetime only remembers you when they need notes, help with their assignments. The professors ,except for a few dedicated ones, are just as uninterested in teaching from their hearts as the students are in listening to them. And what to say about the administration. Do any administration anywhere do any good to the people that it should take care of? And in addition to these, some people in the new city can be very mean to you. So you get your shelter from the reality by walking and by listening to music by the river, enjoying the riverside beauty of nature, limiting yourself to the companionship of games, movies, TV shows ,or youtube videos.
Sometimes youtube offers some really quality content, raw and original. They don’t get much audience. Still they help us coping up with our reality . Yesterday I was feeling kind of low. Feeling like whatever is happening, is only happening with me . I wondered if these things happens with other people also. I searched on youtube, and got my answer. Many other people have breen through this phase of life. It’s a shame that we have to search on youtube, to watch a video of unknown persons , to read comments and also to search in twitter if other people are talking about it, instead of a conversation with your friends. The gap between the time when you last talked and the time you again want to talk become the barrier in starting a conversation. And the feeling is also there , that they can start also, why you? It’s become even more difficult when you are romantically interested in your closest friend, with whom you have contact on a regular basis because who else is there if you have a heartbreak ,right? But love, or at least the feeling you think to be love in a certain time, is something you can’t control. It might make sense later, if you look back, whether whatever you’re feeling right now is meaningless. Still at the present moment , you can’t control it. If you can, it’s a blessing.
I’m writing after so many days. Writing is something that I always wanted to take as a profession when I was younger. Now I’m confused if anybody can make a living only by writing and doing nothing else as a primary means of earning. It’s ironic that as a child I hated the idea that you should do anything for money. But now I understand, money is an important aspect of life. At least in this world , this real world. You can’t always rely upon your parents to feed you, to take care of you. You’re an adult now! Adult! You have to earn yourself. You have to get yourself at least the bare minimum things and without money you can’t do that. Am I overthinking ? Maybe. I have not completed my undergraduate degree yet, I’m just pursuing it . Still, I feel the pressure. Will I get a job after the disaster this pandemic brought, will anything go back to normal, and even if I get a job , will I be happy doing it? Am I also being too self conscious, too self centered; or there are people out there who also feel this way? Well whatever it is, it’s a burden of the comfort that the modern world has provided. You are never satisfied , you never feel complete. You always want something more . You always want someone else to complete you.
Thanks for reading patiently. I don’t know if I made any sense. But I had to write. I had to write everything that is going on inside my head. Well this isn’t possible to write literally everything. Still I wrote so much today , without a break, without looking at what I wrote, without editing while I wrote(of course I edited later). Maybe that’s a good thing for me. Thanks again and do share your thoughts on the comments below so that I can know if there are other people who can relate to me.
PRITAM BORA 